Loss of Friendship

In Depression and Mental Health, Friendship on August 27, 2014 at 2:23 am

It has been a constant theme in my life: the closing of friendships. Platonic, romantic, close, arms length–friends come and go to varying degrees. The closing happens because of a move, because of a difference of opinion, because of an argument, because of a misunderstanding, because of life changes. Sometimes, the closing is partial. Other times, the closing is complete and final as the slam of a door.

But, I have not gotten used to it. Ever. This last time that it happened–just so very recently–I forced myself to stop and reflect. As a child, I was told not to reflect on closed friendships. I was told to employ a “their loss” attitude and move on. I don’t have the Move On gene.

Being that it’s so fresh, I have no idea how complete or partial this closing might be. But, a closing it must be because my friend felt that I was (am) untrustworthy and said so. I was angry in a blazing-cursing-streak-better-hand-me-a-drink sort of way. I broke out in hives (I do that when I get really angry). I was/am, however, so extremely hurt. Having hurt and anger so close to the surface of me is a vulnerable feeling.

More than anything, I was angry at myself. While I would not hesitate to forgive my friend; I will probably never forgive myself. With each occurrence like this, I lose a little of my ability to trust myself when it comes to interactions with others. I lose a little of my ability to let other people in–not that I had a huge store of that ability to begin with. I scourge myself for trusting that person, for allowing any of the real me to show through. I forbid myself from talking to others for days. I take a small step back from everyone in my life. There is no one who is safe; not even myself.

It’s ridiculous to admit–but, very true–that I believe that I am the main cause of these situations. I believe to the point of knowing that my own huge anxieties and the shadow of depression that lingers around me together cause these closings. With a sureness that brings hives to my skin, I feel that my neediness, my presence, my sadness, my flaws are destructive. So, I take a small step back from everyone in my life. There is no one who is safe; not even myself.

Over the course of time, the losses have been staggering. Each time, I lose so much more than one friend.


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