Searching for Books

In and other uncomfortable topics, Somewhat disjointed rant..., Thoughts on Christianity on September 30, 2013 at 3:23 am

I’ve been searching for books written by people who have struggled with their faith but, ultimately, come back.

If you know of a title, please leave it in the comments.

I would love to read something personal, and perhaps in the style of a memoir. For me, reading a book is (right now) the closest thing that I allow myself to really commiserate and explore ways to heal other than laughter and soldering on.

It is not that I doubt the existence of God. I see the earth and life as lacy creations knitted by God–and I believe God is. But, what I have lost touch with is the daily, moment by moment meditation on the love of God and the way of Christ. The in touch part of me has not disappeared, but has folded in upon itself and become dense and buried deep. I rarely share that part of me anymore–not because I hang around a rough living crowd. But, because that is the part of me that is softest and most tender and most often hurt.

That leaves me between the rock of faith and an emotionally hard place. Perhaps I wouldn’t get hurt if I had more faith….guarded my heart….put my trust in God rather than man….prayed more….meditated more…..been more discerning? Perhaps I am supposed to be hurt? Maybe that part of a human that experiences God has to be tender and soft and, therefore, more susceptible to scarring.

What I doubt is if I was actually in touch daily and moment by moment. Was I serving God or placating myself? So, in a purely post-modern perhaps Freudian and definitely selfish way I doubt my own ability to serve God. I doubt the rhetoric, the jargon, the words, the phrases, the clichés of the Christian religion. I am paranoid of these things and I constantly question if they are genuine or simply designed to pierce through to that tender and soft place in me and numerous other listeners/watchers/parishioners/congregations.

I need to know that I’m not the only one whose ever lacked courage when it comes to Christ. Because, in the end, that is what I am lacking. I am afraid to get hit again where I know it will hurt most.

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