Horatio and Penelope and Olivia

In Lawyer Problems, Somewhat disjointed rant... on August 26, 2013 at 3:51 am

I LOVE crime drama television shows. It seems counterintuitive, right? Bleeding heart liberal lawyer who believes in the importance of organizations like the Georgia Innocence Project DIGS seeing (fictitious) bad guys slammed into the hoods of police cruisers, cuffed, and read something loosely based on Miranda rights. Lots of lawyers like crime shows because…..

1. The ubiquitous minority and/or female assistant district attorney gets to do basically whatever the hell s/he wants. Wire tap? SURE. Fight the power by shouting at your douche bag racist/sexist/classist boss? SURE.

2. The bad guy or gal is ALWAYS in the list of suspects. ALWAYS. And, like, you know s/he did it because you saw him/her commit the crime right after the opening credits.

3. It’s totally ok if the bad guy/gal gets roughed up because you totally just saw him/her slash a lady’s lips off her face and make a necklace out of them. Punched in the face? Seems like nothing compared to the torture the (fictitious) victim endured.

4. There are no rules of evidence. During the (unusually long and elaborate fictitious) arraignment, after Jack jumps to his feet and screams “OBJEEEECTION,” the judge furrows her/his brows and says something like this: “I’ll allow it. But, you’re on a short leash, counselor.” Hearsay? More like WHO SAY? Show unreasonably gory crime scene photos to the jury? GO AHEAD. Badgering the witness?! Psshhhh….if the witness didn’t want to get badgered, s/he should have stayed at home.

5. Opposing counsel necessarily hate each other. I mean, they totally hate each other because they dated or they’re from different sides of the track or something like that. This means that any hearing is suuuuuuuuuuper entertaining because everyone objects to everything and chairs get thrown.

6. There is always, always, always a genius on the team. Every television law enforcement team has at least one human member who knows EVERYTHING: the capitol of Montana; the square footage of Hawaii; when the gas station down the street closes; how to calculate the gravitational pull of a magnet on a paperclip (or whatever….). Along that line, every law enforcement team ROLLS DEEP. There are at least four people working every case and they are all well-rested even though they work about 16 hours a day. And, OMG….THE LAB. The lab responds back with analysis reports within about 24 hours.

7. Everyone, everyone is pretty cooperative. Witnesses sing like blue jays on a fresh spring morning (usually because the witness has committed some type of minor crime….).

8. There is always a way to get around (obvious) violations of due process! Yay! Everything is in plain sight, every one felt threatened, everything is a public danger,

9. Physical evidence ABOUNDS. Dude, there are the victim’s fingerprints made with blood that does not belong to the victim! O.M.G. I bet that blood belongs to the killer. Yes! I BET that this killer is already in some database, and we will have his/her name instantly.

10. The bad guy/gal gets it in the end. S/he’s totally off the streets and no longer slicing off lips to make jewelry. FOR THE WIN. Justice. Served. This. This is the part I like. Getting the perpetrator of the crime off the streets. And, in TV world it doesn’t matter how s/he ends up in jail because we all know s/he is guilty as all outdoors. It doesn’t matter if s/he was beaten to a pulp or did not receive Miranda rights. In TV world (and ONLY in TV world), the end justifies the means.


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