I said something sad today….

In and other uncomfortable topics, R[evol]ution, Thoughts on Christianity on August 22, 2013 at 1:17 am

My boyfriend was driving me home after work. We passed a very large church that is familiar to both of us. I’ve been a church refugee for nearly three years. But, at this point, perhaps church delinquent or church truant or church runaway are better terms. I looked over at the church and said, “Maybe we can visit there some time.” He replied, “We should.” Then, less than a half beat later and without thinking, I blurted out: I don’t know if I want to go back to church.

And, that made me sad. Mostly because it was at least partially true.

I don’t know if I want to re-enmesh myself with another large group of people who aren’t lawyers. Law school was the last time that I jumped into a new group of people with whom I shared space on a regular basis and who saw me at my worst and at my best. As an introvert…the thought of doing it again is exhausting. I don’t know if I want to open myself to the possible hurt that can follow the end of a close friendship. I don’t know if I want to make the opposite choice of purposely guarding myself to protect from heartbreak.

I don’t know if I want to expose my sometimes eccentric and idiosyncratic beliefs about sexuality, gender, race, class, education, and the Lord to the possibly homogenizing force that can be the Christian church. I don’t know if I want to make the opposite choice of pretending that my beliefs are more mainstream than they really are.

I don’t know if I want to again make an endless stream of visits to different churches as if I was visiting colleges.

I don’t know if I can again open my heart to trust another person to pour spiritual teaching into me as I listen.

I don’t know if I can do the debates and the meetings and the disagreements and the schisms and the commuting and the crying and the leaving and the loving and the teaching and the volunteering….but, that’s crap because I know that I can and I know that I should and I know that I must.



  1. I admire you so much for being honest with yourself, you will know the right time and the right place. It’s so unfortunate that churches often let us down… I know your reason is different, but I here the story too often. When you finally muster all of the things you need to get back out there. PIease consider Freedom Atlanta Ministries(FAM) I grew so much there and I think they have amazing leadership and service. You can check them out at http://www.freedomatlanta.com

  2. […] day after I said something sad, I was driving to work. It was a steamy August day in Georgia and I was wishing that the weather […]

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