Friend Dumped & How I Cheer Myself Up

In Bar Prep Problems, Friendship, R[evol]ution, Somewhat disjointed rant... on June 27, 2013 at 2:48 pm

This one is long, and I’m sorry about that. But, it’s a shout out to all my fellow ex-friends. Warning: profanity can and does occur.

Tonight, I feel lonely and a little isolated. The worst part was that I had no one to reach out to. It’s like that at two o’clock in the morning. People, for some odd reason, want to sleep. Often, I’m told, this is because they have jobs to go to. What’s up with that? At any rate, I realize now that one of the major reasons that I am feeling lonely and isolated and overwhelmed is studying for the bar.

But, I came to this realization after an hour of crying. Relax, relax. I’m cool now.

You see the first thing I did–or mistake I made (depending on how you look at it)–was to think about times in my life during which I had people around me who I could call at unsophisticated hours. And, then I pulled the Go to Jail card of sadness: why is it that I do not have anyone I can call now?

Rather than calmly explain to myself: “Hey, freaking jerk. It’s one o’clock in the morning. People have lives…jobs…^%*^ to do tomorrow.” I went there–directly there. I did not pass go. I did not collect two hundred dollars (because if I had collected two hundred dollars, I assure you I would have succored my sorrows in the therapy of Amazon).

Then, it really started. How did I lose friends? What are the reasons? I consider that I am 31 years old, living at home with my parents, slightly overweight, and not technically a lawyer at all. I don’t have kids. I have never owned a new car. I am in debt to your favorite uncle and mine (Sam). My passport has one stamp in it. I don’t have a church home. I have about 30 days to wade through a lot of information for the bar.

Jumanji cookies. Who in the Mordor would want to be friends with such a loser? [Insert adequate description of the woe-is-me-Edith-Crawley melt down moment here]. I mean, I did all types of stuff that would never make me feel better.

Presently, however, I am watching The Wedding Singer. Why? How?

Because I realized that in my bar prep-addled mind that I am actually missing have a circle of close female friends. This has nothing to do with me being 31 (even with a rat pack of compadres, I’d still be 31). This has nothing to do with me having little experience abroad (even though I am sure I would make a TON of friends abroad in Eat, Pray, Love style). This has nothing to do with me owning a new car (although, the bff of my dreams might be a car sales woman). This has nothing to do with me being child-less (although, I am sure that having to support another human being would be just what I need during my current meltdown).

I was mourning being an ex-friend. I know that sounds weird. But, I have had friendships with other women that were severed in the fashion of a break up.  And, it hurts like a break up. Apparently, I should have dealt with those situations they way I deal with a break up. Therefore, I present a rant for your consideration. Was I completely innocent in the situations? No. Definitely not. If, however, you are thinking about breaking up with a friend: here is some food for thought.

You know, what? I realize that I didn’t deserve to be friend-dumped. That is a truly shitty way to end a friendship. We end romantic relationships that way because, for those who practice and believe in monogamy, we intend to have another romantic relationship and need to start afresh. But, last time I checked: one can have as many friends as one wants.

I mean, yeah. I’m dramatic. I’m emotional. I have a crippling temper. I have a *slight* potty mouth issue. I’m annoyingly liberal and annoyingly Christian at the same time. I’m a pack rat. I’m pretty sarcastic, too. And, that can be hard to deal with in a friendship. But, I’m also funny as hell. And, I’m always down for an adventure. I also like to listen. You know those days when you wake up and wish you could have a makeover? Hunty, I never met that moment and failed to deliver. Hallelooooo!

In short, there is nothing wrong with me.

Obviously, it’s now the next morning. And, what’s left is me being angry. Angry that not one of them truly knows the amount of emotional turmoil I went through and how much I still care and how very much I blamed myself and how much my ability to make and keep and enjoy friends has been affected.

Here’s the thing: when one breaks off a romantic relationship, there are generally those moments. Those arguments. That ending statement that lets one know that the relationship is ending and, sometimes, even why. Not so much with the friend break-ups I’ve experienced. There is no way to reduce the issue down to something between me and that person. Then, there are the subsequent friend losses after the friend break-up. Mutual friends have to choose. Usually, I make the choice pretty easy. I withdraw. I shut down. My attitude can be very much like a huge middle finger.


Did I mention my temper? My temper is awesome. I can go from first world problems meme girl to General Patton in an hour or less. I can drill sergeant myself back up onto my feet and get ready for hours of bar prep. Remember that scene in Forrest Gump?

What’s your sole purpose in life?

To do whatever is best for me, drill sergeant?

What an outstanding answer! You must have a scooby-dooed IQ of a 160! Now, get about your day.

  1. […] written before about being friend dumped, but at the time I was studying for the Georgia bar exam and life was an emotional roller […]

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