My inner psycho b#@*!

In Encouragement, Love and Romance, R[evol]ution, Somewhat disjointed rant... on June 3, 2013 at 12:11 pm

I love The Good Men Project. If you don’t read it, give it a try. I read a well-written post there by Vironika Tugaleva entitled “Confessions of a Former Psycho Bitch from Hell” that said that women are rarely willing to admit to being a psycho b@!#* from hell. Well, I’ve been one with strong chances of smaller, repeat performances.

“A LOT of people took a fairly decent crack at ruining my life. Let’s not put it all on one person.” And those were the last negative words about the situation and about him. I was responding to a statement from my mother about my ex.

It dawned on me that I could have, and possibly should have, said something like that years earlier and I could have saved myself a world of hurt. For those who know me and know him: this is the post in which I relate my part in the tale. Others played roles that I do not seek to undermine or ignore or excuse. This is just my way of telling my story.

I was too busy being a good girl to be a good woman and good partner. There is a difference. A good girl is too concerned with good grades, good PR, and being proper to consider the gray areas in life in which some things go lacking for the greater good…and that greater good includes the romantic relationship to which she’s committed herself.

I was in college, so I don’t fault myself for looking to grades. But, I know now that I wasn’t mature enough to know and embrace the fact that you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Furthermore, I did not yet know that there exists more than one type of anger. One is a response. The other is a controlling force. By no means am I saying that my parents were cruel or abusive. I am saying that I lacked the strength to stand up for the love and the man I was then committed to.

I now recognize that I am a being completely separate and different from my parents, and there is no requirement that they fall in love with the man I fall in love with. I did not know that then. Instead, I needlessly subjected the one I loved to some very trying situations and I expected HIM to make everything better. That’s a lot of weight for a young man to carry.

But, the psycho part is that I would bow to anger habitually and wonder why I wasn’t getting what I needed and wanted in my friendships and relationships. I would fold into deep depressions of silence and numbness. I would cry to my friends that no one understood me. And, that was true. But, it was true because I was hiding myself and asking people to love me on layaway: if you keep loving me, I’ll show you a little bit more of myself at regular intervals. It was hell for me and the people who loved me and cared about me.

Have I learned? A little bit at a time. But, there are times when I can still go to that place of self-doubt and emotional closed-ness. Except now, I know why am I there and I know my way out.

  1. It was a tough time. We were soooo young. Seems like we’re both in much better places (yes, I’ve been cyber-stalking you this afternoon).

    • 🙂 Jeezus. We were young. But, I am glad to know that you are happy and healthy in your life. I wouldn’t trade those experiences–I’m a better woman for it. Anderuh, if you’re gonna cyber-stalk me could you please do some of my work? LOL.

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