In defense of lawyers

In Law School Problems, Lawyer Problems, Somewhat disjointed rant... on October 10, 2012 at 3:09 am

It really chaps my hide when someone (and I mean ANYONE) makes a serious generalization about any group of people…particularly a group to which I belong. Of course, being a law student means that I’ve told my share of lawyer-as-douche-bag jokes. But, I’ve earned my stripes.

I would like for the whole world to know that lawyers have not cornered the douche bag market. There are douche bags in every known profession out there. But, for some reason, lawyers are social pariahs. We tear at the fabric of society. To be clear, most lawyers are former (or current) nerds who spend hours in libraries and artificially lit rooms reading–sounds dangerous.

1. Lawyers do talk a lot. Mysteriously, this is a problem only when we are not in the courtroom. Step into the courtroom and clients want you to jump up and shout OBJECTION every few moments. Of course, after the objection, you have to make an argument. Then, the clients want you to do an opening AND a closing. Geesh. Then, for some unknown reason, EVERY client wants to know what is going on with his or her case…this means meetings and telephone calls.

2. Lawyers like to argue. I think that this is for purely economic reasons; the lawyers who don’t like to argue or take adversarial positions don’t tend to get a lot of business.

3. Lawyers are aggressive. I agree. Lawyers could definitely negotiate with insurance companies in a less aggressive way. Yes, there’s no need to be aggressive when the insurance company starts off at $600.00 and the client has $10,000 in medicals (not including missed wages and the need for continuing care). Soft words and warm biscuits will work.

4. Lawyers don’t actually add anything to society. Thurgood Marshall. F.W. de Klerk. Marian Wright Edelman. Maynard Jackson. Francis Scott Key. William Penn. Paul Robeson. Gandhi. Nelson Mandela. Henri Matisse. Alexander Hamilton. ¬†Absolutely. Never. Did. Anything. For. Society.

5. Lawyers only want money. This completely distinguishes the legal profession from other professions. The following professions are all above a simple cash nexus: doctors, dentists, singers, basketball players, dancers, hair stylists, makeup artists, architects, and chefs.

I’ll be honest. Not every lawyer or law student that I know is the person that I’d choose to be stuck on a deserted island with. But, most of the attorneys and law students that I know are incredibly passionate, articulate, and driven people. Some attorneys and law students are douche bags. If, however, you get stuck with a douche bag attorney…..you know what you should do? Fire your attorney.




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